HumanEvents.Com Plays Host To "Weekly Alerts" From Chuck Norris and Miscellaneous Other Far-Right Media Moronics

No, really, you can sign up! How thoughtful Chuck looks? He's jealous of Joe the Plumber ... No kidding!

# There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.

# Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

# There is no chin under Chuck Norris’ Beard. There is only another fist.

# Chuck Norris has two speeds. Walk, and Kill.

# The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart Disease 2. Cancer. 3. Chuck Norris

# Chuck Norris doesn’t go hunting.... CHUCK NORRIS GOES KILLING.

# Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

# Crop circles are Chuck Norris’ way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.

# The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.

# Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.

# If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, “Two seconds ‘til.” After you ask, “Two seconds ‘til what?” he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

# When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever.

# The quickest way to a man’s heart is with Chuck Norris’ fist.

# Chuck Norris invented Kentucky Fried Chicken’s famous secret recipe, with eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear.

# CNN was originally created as the “Chuck Norris Network” to update Americans with on-the-spot ass kicking in real-time.

# Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.

# Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

# What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris’ victims before they died? His shoe.

# Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

# Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.

# Chuck Norris doesn’t churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.

# Chuck Norris doesn’t wash his clothes, he disembowels them.

# A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

# Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia.

# Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth’s atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.

# Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.

# It takes 14 puppeteers to make Chuck Norris smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.