Comic Relief - Letter From Red States to Blue States

Though sworn to centrism, and disliking both major political candidates running for president, I find the note below (now circulating on Internet) to be definitely worth a look and a laugh:

Dear Red States:

If you manage to steal this election too we've decided we're leaving. We intend to form our own country, and we're taking the other Blue States with us. In case you aren't aware, that includes California, Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and all the Northeast. We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially to the people of the new country of New California.

To sum up briefly:

You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states.We get stem cell research and the best beaches.

We get the Statue of Liberty.You get Dollywood.

We get Intel and Microsoft.You get WorldCom.

We get Harvard.You get Ole' Miss.

We get 85% of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs.You get Alabama.

We get two-thirds of the tax revenue, you get to make the red states pay their fair share.

Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22% lower than the Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families.You get a bunch of single moms.

Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and anti-war, and we're going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once. If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have kids they're apparently willing to send to their deaths for no purpose, and they don't care if you don't show pictures of their children's caskets coming home. We do wish you success in Iraq , and hope that the WMDs turn up, but we're not willing to spend our resources in Bush's Quagmire.

With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80% of the country's fresh water, more than 90% of the pineapple and lettuce, 92% of the nation's fresh fruit, 95% of America's quality wines, 90% of all cheese, 90% of the high tech industry, 95% of the corn and soybeans (thanks Iowa!), most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools plus Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.

With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88% of all obese Americans (and their projected health care costs), 92% of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100% of the tornadoes, 90% of the hurricanes, 99% of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100% of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia.

We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.

Additionally, 38% of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62% believe life is sacred unless we're discussing the war, the death penalty or gun laws, 44% say that evolution is only a theory, 53% believe that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61% of you crazy bastards believe you are people with higher morals then we lefties.

Finally, we're taking the good pot, too. You can have that dirt weed they grow in Mexico

Peace out,
Blue States


  1. Dear Blue States:

    Sounds great. We'll keep the guns and warriors, which we will use to obliterate you blue-state, peacenik, welfare-loving, spread-the-wealth socialist traitors from the face of the good old USA.

    Locked and loaded,
    The Red States

  2. Dear Blue States:

    We received your letter.

    I'm sorry to say that about half your populations are going to relocate to the Red States. These include most CEO's, CFO's, entrepreneurs, venture capitalists, the high-tech industry and pretty much everyone in the top 5%. We're taking all of their federal tax revenues with us.

    Since the large businesses and most successful small businesses are going to relocate, we are taking all their workers with us. This includes those who aspire to make their own way in life like Joe the Plumber, and the millions just like him.

    We'll be advertising that any business left in Nuevo California who wants to pay lower business tax is welcome to immigrate to any of the Red States. Once everyone has moved over, we should have about 90% of the tax revenues.

    You get the natural resources in Old California, we get Alaska, Texas and the Gulf Coast. That gives us 3/4 of the oil production and reserves.

    You can keep Harvard and the rest of the Ivy League schools, but businesses in the Red States are going to recruit nearly all your graduates. The only charitable donations that will be tax deductible are donations made to Red State charities and schools. When we start new schools in the Red States we are going to recruit from your professors, but you can keep Ward Churchill, William Ayers, and Rashid Khalidi.

    We promise 90-97% of our citizens will have jobs. 85% already have health insurance provided to them and for the rest we are going to give a tax credit to help them buy health insurance in any of the Red States. We are going to keep taxes low for everyone, and give some additional tax credits to those who need it. We will call them Red States, not slave states, because we respect everyone in all the states who want to remain with us.

    We will continue to have great health care since most of the doctors are in that top 5%.

    We will finish the war in Iraq because even those of us who disagree with the war know we have an obligation not to abandon a country we fully destabilized by starting a war there. Our military will continue to be voluntary, with even children of our highest elected officials defending life around the globe. We will continue to focus on security within the Red States, since we do not want another 9/11. We should be fine, I think most of the military will be okay relocating to the Red States. We will be closely watching your unconditional discussions Iran.

    We won't publicly claim that women with children should stay at home with the kids rather than run for public office, and then turn around and say we believe in equal rights for both genders. We will champion all women, regardless of political viewpoint.

    We won't force our kids to share their peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, sharing will be encouraged but remain voluntary. We won't question the patriotism of those who don't want to pay 50% of their income in tax (federal, payroll, state, local, sales, etc.). We don't think anyone should have to pay 50%, that's too high.

    We'll gladly let you keep the Democratic Leaders in Congress who want to increase spending through the roof. You can also keep Barney Frank, who just a few months ago said Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac were financially sound, should take on more subprime loans and who fought against more oversight for these companies.

    You can keep most of the media stations, we'll keep one. The irony is we'll get more balanced news on our one station than you'll get on all 7 of yours. We won't stand for top political officials cutting off access to reporters who ask tough questions or don't endorse them.

    We will be willing to negotiate a trade agreement for pineapple and lettuce, since you will have lost so many jobs you'll probably agree. You can keep the beaches and the wine, we'll be too busy working hard and we'll find other ways to enjoy our success. The people who care about the good pot and expanding welfare for all will probably stay with you, good luck with that.

    Thanks for making our job easier,
    Red States

  3. I dearly wish I could take all of you blue-red, idol-loving, media-moronic, history-stupid people and shoot you to Pluto.

    All of you miss the point. Few of you know anything about what makes for real democracy, and most of you blindly believe what you hear on television.

    For starters, go home and read NOTES ON THE STATE OF VIRGINIA by Thomas Jefferson.

    Did you know that some of our leaders actually wrote their own speeches, back in the old days?

    Did you know that, you dunder heads?

    If it were up to me, all of you would have to pass a general informmation test before being allowed to vote!